This blog shares the Introduction from my book, Living Boundaries, to give you insight into the transformative power of setting and maintaining healthy boundaries.
Living Boundaries won Firebird Book Awards Book Cover Design, Health & Wellness, and Mental Health.
Setting Healthy Boundaries Is a Human Issue
“Ultimately, boundaries are incredible gifts that we can offer to ourselves and the
people in our lives. Boundaries empower us to choose how we want to relate and
respond. When we are honest with ourselves and others, we create greater depth,
meaning, and reciprocity in our relationships.”
— Amy Vigliotti, Ph.D.
Living Boundaries…what on earth is that about? You may be asking yourself this question. The answer is that I believe interpersonal boundaries are alive, like living plants are. Boundaries live within you and are not separate from your person as pop culture suggests. This is a new way of understanding boundaries and living through them. My goal in writing this book is for you to connect with your Living Boundaries to have your most authentic loving and joyful life experience, so please read on.
Where did this come from? Another question to be answered. Well, my life’s work is about total health and my journey in the health space began with boundaries. Growing up, our home was a social focal point. We often had parties and gatherings with family, neighbors, and friends. As a child, I was so captivated by the nuance of interaction—the tone of voice, when a person smiled or cringed, when pain crossed someone’s face, and when their eyes lit up. I saw boundaries respected and boundaries violated in real time, and it stuck with me. I clearly remember vowing to never be the one to cause another person pain by being the aggressor, while understanding that self-defense would be appropriate at times. And so I went from witnessing boundaries, to learning boundaries, to living boundaries, and now to teaching boundaries. From there, my work expanded to other areas of health and I developed a unique and no-nonsense perspective to help others lead their healthiest and most joyful life. Thus, boundaries for me are the path to health and happiness.
And here we are with Living Boundaries. So at this point, allow me to be clear. One problem I see with boundaries is not with boundaries themselves. This problem with boundaries is with the perception of boundaries. The too common view of boundaries is that they exist outside of us, as if they are accessories that we don ourselves with or that which we grab hold of for a false sense of security. Not only are boundaries perceived as something we reach for with one word–too many people falsely believe that boundaries are only about saying “no”, or are something that you use pro re nata (PRN), as needed, like a pill for a headache. I present to you, however, that boundaries are so much more than a cloak or pill or simple utterance of the word “no”. Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries is how assertively and confidently you carry yourself in life, and they require a process of mindful self-awareness long before “no” becomes necessary.
Healthy boundaries are not idle tools waiting for you to pick up and use. There is no wrench to tighten up your physical well-being. There is no hammer to pound in your emotional or mental health. And there is no snake to twist reality to fit your comfort zone. Your boundaries are not an ace-in-the-hole. Another way to think of it is you wear your boundaries, like you carry your facial expressions, your gestures, your posture.
Another problem I see with boundaries is that women are held solely responsible for having them. However, the Women’s Suffrage Movement, the National Organization for Women, and more recently the MeToo movement highlighted how unhealthy interpersonal boundaries are a human problem. This means that men, abusers, politicians, law enforcement, oppressors, the rich, and anyone who has power and authority over the lives and wellbeing of other human beings are equally, if not more responsible for developing, setting, and maintaining healthy boundaries. Just imagine how wonderful this world would be if all leaders, policy makers, enforcers, and business owners individually and collectively had healthy boundaries and did the right things? I submit to you that Living Boundaries are the path to total health for individuals, for society, and for humanity.
To sum up, Living Boundaries is about how your boundaries exist with your every breath, your every no, and with your every yes. Your boundaries are akin to your skin, your heart, your aura, your essence, and every other part of your being. You cannot detach from your boundaries. And so, healthy boundaries are your built-in, undeniable, personal alarm system which is monitored by your intuition and is available to you 24 hours per day, 7 days a week. Interpersonal boundaries are alive. Boundaries live and breathe with and within you as such. Thus, boundaries are an integral part of who you are and cannot be separated from your living being.
Your boundaries are alive. Living Boundaries expands upon the information presented in my first published book, the 5-time award winning Living In Total Health, particularly the Boundaries chapter. Living In Total Health covered the definition, purpose, types, and signs of unhealthy boundaries. Living In Total Health also introduced Wellth, which is health plus other riches and presents as being joyful, connected, confident, and complete. In Living Boundaries, your boundaries become more personally applicable to empower you to nurture and to protect yourself, setting the foundation for you to be wellthy. This incarnation of boundaries also includes assessments, exercises, activities, and real life examples of healthy and unhealthy boundaries to help you better understand how critical boundaries are to health and happiness so you can protect and nurture the integrity of who you are.
Please be aware that references to and examples of abuse and domestic violence are mentioned throughout this book, so proceed with caution.
Wearing your boundaries as a second skin provides you with an extra layer of protection and strengthens you to act in your own, most healthy interest.
